It has taken me a while to realise that I am ordinary and so are others. This realisation, initially perceived as a threat to my romantic outlook on the world, has paradoxically solidified my philosophy, making my (self-)love similar to the slow fire instead of ephemeral flames.

One of the most discussed topics in history, arts and daily life is love. What is it? How to be a better lover? What should a healthy relationship look like? Seeing how emotionally charged this topic is for other people, I also became curious and started learning more. In hindsight, I was trying to learn how to be “correct” according to modern psychological principles. As a young adult who left his home country at 19, I wanted to turn my life experience into exhibitionism. “Look at how smart I am! How deeply I feel! My emotions are not ordinary, even writers and poets would drop their jaws at sight of me…” I am an approval-driven individual without much recognition in childhood, so I wanted my reader to adore me… more precisely, the version of me which I put on the spotlight.

“Revolver” was the movie which allowed me to see my own approval tendencies in the mirror of characters. This Jake Green’s quote still lingers in my mind:

There is something about yourself that you don’t know. Something that you will deny even exists until it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s the only reason you get up in the morning, the only reason you suffer the shitty boss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. “Fear or revere me, but please think I’m special.” We share an addiction. We’re approval junkies. We’re all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The “hip, hip, hoo-fucking-rah.” Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Cos we’re just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.

I do not think it is realistic to turn this tendency off, as it is evolutionarily predetermined. What is possible, though, is to keep it in mind and continuously ask yourself the question: “Why am I doing what I am doing?” Needless to say, childhood creeps in as well, so part of us is still trying to satisfy our parents, waiting for their smiles and nods. I have to constantly remind myself that I am no better than others. In fact, I am quite lucky: lots of Ukrainian guys have to fight on the battlefield now, while I, though grappling with C-PTSD and intimacy issues, sit in a cozy flat in Vienna. There are always problems in our lives, yet there are different “levels” of such problems.

“How does this relate to love?” — one will ask me. You see, it is about having a realistic self-image and a realistic image of others. Every time we idealise a person, we think that we are gifted to see something special in them, which in turn, makes us special too. On the other hand, we can believe that they can fill in the void in us (especially common for adolescents). That cute girl in front of me is also flawed: maybe silly, perhaps dishonest or outward shallow. There is nothing wrong about idealisation, considering one understands how flawed we all are and this idealisation is not all-consuming.

I was driven to write this essay when I watched a YouTube video about dating rules for women with tags like #HighValueWomen and so on. It was clearly putting women in the position of “goddesses” who descend to “deserving” men and “grant” them the pleasure of dating these (infantile, in the author’s view) girls. I remember watching pick-up videos, and even though I found them beneficial for general education, I still feel uncomfortable recalling how I watched this “alpha male” content and took it religiously. Surely, I now understand that such content is feeding on the universal need for sexual satisfaction and love. Yet I find such creators dishonest because instead of taking down barriers, they mostly build the walls.

Upon realising that in front of me, be it a girl, my colleague at work, a cashier in a supermarket or an acquaintance, is the same flawed human being as I am, I became more appreciative of every moment of my life without putting anyone, including myself, on a pedestal. I started thanking my colleagues for good work more often, genuinely appreciating supermarkets open on Saturdays, moments of vulnerability with my friends, feeling connection when I am interested in a girl romantically. I have realised that I like women, yet in a more… natural way. Simply sitting and talking, entering each other’s world with words. I was often physically abused in my childhood, so I fear closeness and consequently, I have not yet been in a long-term romantic relationship. Still, I find some reassurance in my philosophy that when I do feel ready, I will be able to accept, not without slight annoyance, the imperfections of my partner and approach dating as a mutual journey, not as a conquering quest or the set of manipulations. I can also accept that I like girls with a “maternal” vibe, and that I’d love my partner to be my friend with whom I can have sex. This has become my sanity, not boredom.

I hope my essay now answers its original question. What I can add is an observation about when I start feeling strong emotions toward someone with whom I have not yet had any serious relationship. This often has little to do with the other person, but is instead rooted in my unrealised needs or in this person being very similar to someone from my past. Real relationships take time, effort, patience and acceptance instead of volcanoes of initial emotion. This quiet understanding is what I hope will help me in my life. Thank you very much for reading this article.